Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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