The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
