I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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