Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
