Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
