I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Operation Purity has been aborted
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize