Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
