If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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