I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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