She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
