Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
