God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
