Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
