I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
