Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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