So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize