I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
