When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
