I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
