I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
