i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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