oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We're too hungover to prance.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
