chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
