I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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