this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize