Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
