he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
