I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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