her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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