Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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