u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Found your dick twin last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
