Got a toothbrush?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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