When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
