...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
