I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
