I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
