i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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