my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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