i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I party with great urgency now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
