sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
