Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sober January is a disaster.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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