I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
ok first of all what the fuck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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