youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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