Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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