I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
