She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
