I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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