evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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