good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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