We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
