It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
