Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
