it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize