In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
