I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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