got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
