Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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