i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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