I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
